I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
