We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You pole danced in your parka.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
