she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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