okay pat passed out under dana's car
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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