Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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