From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
