idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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