When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
