Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
