I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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