If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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