OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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