Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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