No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
