You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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