The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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