Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
try to milk me bitch
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