I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
