Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i think im in europe. pls send help
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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