The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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