I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
