Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
