I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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