"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
