If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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