anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
