I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
