ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
