Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
