My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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