I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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