I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
