I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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