Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
