She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
