I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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