is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
