things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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