i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
