I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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