She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
