My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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