u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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