can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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