So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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