Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
