well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
