Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
