Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
ttyl tear gas
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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