today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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